It is like reopening a coffin that has recently been through to the cremation. I didn’t have any inclination to write about it until I saw a note about it on a blog.
Trust me; I really don’t know how to write the obituary of your own feelings. It is all shattered into puzzling pieces. This was the only puzzle in my life I was failed to solve and eventually withdrew assuming myself as a loser. (No complaints meant). For a reader it may be something totally insignificant or one may find it nonsense stuff by a crap writer but it once had some importance in my life. I feel quite discouraged to call it an obsession.
Let me admit that I choose to have an emotional roller-coaster a few weeks ago. Being far away from family and friends, to be honest, it was extremely painful since I had no assistance available during that emotional trauma.
Earlier I was very scared or I was too coward to face it, may be. Never in my life I felt myself so helpless and I didn’t like this aspect of my personality. I tried my best to make things work, repeated entreaties were carted out but to no avail. This span of beseeching and imploring lasted for one whole year-daily. Make a note, for 365 days continuously (few days redundant when my calls or messages were never answered). None of my efforts could bring respite to the state of fray.
I bore each and every consequence of my verbalisations during that effortful but fruitless year of miseries. Some circumstantially riddling episodes provided sufficient fuel to flames and this relation not only turned sore yet it got irretrievably awkward despite my efforts to keep it velvety and unruffled.
It requires a great deal of patience to see your hopes sinking in front of you. It is indeed nerve wrecking if you have a human heart, I suppose. I really suffered. I don’t want to invite sympathies by elaborating my dreary days or the depths of my miseries. Having enough of the fiasco and excruciatingly monotonous avoidance, I myself decided to sink the boat, which was carrying my own dreams, hopes and optimism.
Jal bhi chukay perwanay, ho bhi chuki ruswai
Ab khaak uranay ko baitahy hain tamashai
(Moth have been reduced to ashes, mortified beyond resurrectionWith onlookers left to rake over the remnants)
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Intricacies in Individualism
They are very strange people……………….
Tied to each other through an unseen shackle. One exists at just a stones throw to the other. Very pleasant to others but after being separately together for long time they are very tartaric to each other. They have suffered so much for what they had dreamed of and now while this dream is coming to a reality they are collecting stones to throw at it. They are going to prepare a stew with contrariety, divergence and dissensions as major ingredients of the recipe.
Apparently, two close beings but actually two strangers amid a superfluous mirth. Silently watering a rotten plant which is not likely to pullulate circumstantially. Egotists, who are quietly protesting against the most powerful cries of their souls. Reluctantly aborting, vehemently hoping and sarcastically pampering their ignored selves. Exactly like waking on a same path to find an intersection.
Both of them are putting very sincere efforts to depreciate their energies. Interestingly, one is optimistic and the other is pessimistic. One of them claims to be very positive and not to mention the negativity of the other. They need mental stimulation; they want to do incredible things but not alone; one needs support of the other but doesn’t ask for it. They were proud to claim that ‘they know each other’. Time has merely proven this sentence not more than a joke. Every discussion is punctuated by “you still don’t know me” full stop, at least by one party.
Despite knowing that mentally, emotionally and socially they are getting into irretrievably awkward situation but none of them is willing to surrender as an individual.
One says, “I think, things are only on the surface and there is nothing deep down or may be vice versa”. “I don’t feel anything”. Few days after this doubtful discovery the same fellow iterates with words full of shiver and eyes stuffed with tears, “Don’t you ever leave me please”. Another annunciation few weeks later, “I don’t trust you” followed by new version, “I can never ever doubt your honesty”.
The other fellow responds very patiently with logical come ups, supportive statements, excessive acceptance and plausible assurances but only in case when being properly heard and responded to. Raging spirals of anger and exasperation gradually reach the limits beyond control – though seldom but always cogent – when unheard and repeatedly ignored.
As a combined entity, they are for each other. They respect and value each other. Want to be together but when it comes to individual assertion, they are at light years’ distance………
Tied to each other through an unseen shackle. One exists at just a stones throw to the other. Very pleasant to others but after being separately together for long time they are very tartaric to each other. They have suffered so much for what they had dreamed of and now while this dream is coming to a reality they are collecting stones to throw at it. They are going to prepare a stew with contrariety, divergence and dissensions as major ingredients of the recipe.
Apparently, two close beings but actually two strangers amid a superfluous mirth. Silently watering a rotten plant which is not likely to pullulate circumstantially. Egotists, who are quietly protesting against the most powerful cries of their souls. Reluctantly aborting, vehemently hoping and sarcastically pampering their ignored selves. Exactly like waking on a same path to find an intersection.
Both of them are putting very sincere efforts to depreciate their energies. Interestingly, one is optimistic and the other is pessimistic. One of them claims to be very positive and not to mention the negativity of the other. They need mental stimulation; they want to do incredible things but not alone; one needs support of the other but doesn’t ask for it. They were proud to claim that ‘they know each other’. Time has merely proven this sentence not more than a joke. Every discussion is punctuated by “you still don’t know me” full stop, at least by one party.
Despite knowing that mentally, emotionally and socially they are getting into irretrievably awkward situation but none of them is willing to surrender as an individual.
One says, “I think, things are only on the surface and there is nothing deep down or may be vice versa”. “I don’t feel anything”. Few days after this doubtful discovery the same fellow iterates with words full of shiver and eyes stuffed with tears, “Don’t you ever leave me please”. Another annunciation few weeks later, “I don’t trust you” followed by new version, “I can never ever doubt your honesty”.
The other fellow responds very patiently with logical come ups, supportive statements, excessive acceptance and plausible assurances but only in case when being properly heard and responded to. Raging spirals of anger and exasperation gradually reach the limits beyond control – though seldom but always cogent – when unheard and repeatedly ignored.
As a combined entity, they are for each other. They respect and value each other. Want to be together but when it comes to individual assertion, they are at light years’ distance………
Sunday, June 10, 2007
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